Strange Occupations
by Zombiifissh
Summary: Wherein Yusuke and Kuwabara are assigned to a stakeout to find out just what is killing all the monks at a certain monastary. Hiei and Kurama show up, perhaps the killer is among them? AU, possibly slight OOC.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Just for all of your information, this is going to be waaaay AU. I don't think Kuwabara or Yusuke would EVER want to have the jobs that they have here, so I'll try to make up some kind of an excuse for them… I guess… Even with that, it'll probably still be kinda OOC, but I'll try to make that as unnoticeable as possible. I'll try really, **_**really**_** hard, okay? Don't hurt me for something I haven't even done yet!! You don't even know what kind of jobs they have yet, okay?! GOD!! (insert minor freakout scene here)**

"No. Way. There is ABSOLUTELY no way we can do this! _No way,_ Botan! We can't pull this off!" Yusuke Urameshi was being his normal, pessimistic self, his best friend Kuwabara at his side.

"Yeah, I mean, how are we supposed to memorize all of this stuff anyway? All this Buddhist stuff, and I ain't even got a religion!" Kuwabara agreed.

"Seriously, Botan, we are NOT going to be able to memorize all of this when we can't get above a 50 on a science test without studying for days! And all this crap here about 'Life is suffering', and 'right thinking, right actions, right blah blah blah'? I _really_ don't think that's me, do you??"

"All right, all right, I get it!" the blue-haired Botan squeaked over the case file. "But then who'll catch this demon who's killing all the monks?"

"Just because you're our secretary and a lot older than us doesn't mean you get to boss us around, you dope! We still own the headhunting business, and we can fire you whenever we feel like! Make your stupid 'informants' find a better run! He can do it, he owns a friggin' _library_ of all the friggin' demons!" Yusuke said loudly.

Kuwabara punched him in the back of the head. "URAMESHI, BE NICE TO THE WOMAN! Anyway Botan, he's got a point. We really can't memorize all of this stuff and be able to go undercover as Buddhist monks. Can't Koenma find anything easier? It's too hard!"

"Well, then, I guess we can all go hungry and _starve,_ because this is the only job that my informants could find! We're broke, and you need to get us some money so we can eat!" Botan yelled.

And that was how Yusuke and Kuwabara took on the life of the Buddhist monk.

"I—hate—it—when—Botan—does—this—to—us," Yusuke growled. "It's always, 'We can't eat', or 'We need more money' with her! God, I wish I could just—"

"Urameshi, shut up and act humble, if you can! We're coming up on the place! And remember this time, we're supposed to be following _Buddhism,_ not Confucianism!"

"I got it!" Yusuke and Kuwabara bowed their heads and tried very hard to look monk-ish. They arrived at the main gate of the monastery; it was much bigger than it looked from where they were before. "Uh… How do you suppose we knock? I don't see no knockers here?"

"Walk in?" Kuwabara suggested. The pair started forward when the door opened of its own accord. The two were greeted by a smiling bald man in orange robes. He opened his arms to them.

"Welcome, newcomers," he began. "I was told we would be getting new arrivals today. You two are to be the new apprentices, yes?"

Yusuke and Kuwabara had to quickly wipe the stupid, blank looks off of their faces before replying a hasty yes.

"Good. I will show you around to monastery then. Follow me, if you please," the monk said. He was very old, and had a mellow, wheezy voice. He led them into the inner courtyard, where other monks were meditating, reading scriptures, or doing other… monk things.

"This is the courtyard," the monk started, "and it is the center of the abbey. If you get lost here, you can find your way back here by following any of the pathways toward that tree right there." He pointed to an enormous tree in the middle of the stone courtyard. "That will be your guidepoint, both physically and spiritually. The schoolhouse is to the left from here, and the church is beside it. To the right is the dining hall and where everyone sleeps, and right behind you next to the gates is the traveler's guest house. Sometimes we get pilgrims from other abbeys coming through here, and we have to put them somewhere, yes? We turn no one down here, all are welcome." The monk smiled pleasantly.

Yusuke attempted to smile as well. 'And we wondered why they were all getting killed…'

**Awright. I'mma go ahead and end the chapter here, see what you all think so far. Hiei and Kurama will come into the story soon, I'm not sure if Yusuke and Kuwabara will hook up, the monks are gonna be annoying, that's about the gist of the next chapter, but it'll be fleshier than that. Obviously. Soooo… review, please. I need some feedback on this one. **


	2. Chapter 2

Woo

**Woo! Final-friggen'-ly! It's about time I got this chapter started! **

After about three days in the monastery, both Yusuke and Kuwabara were absolutely sick and tired of monk life. It was extremely boring: get up; do morning prayers, which neither boy liked at all; eat breakfast, though the food was horrible; give thanks for the food, which took about half an hour; do chores and various errands for the monks with seniority, another thing neither boy liked at all; eat lunch; give more thanks; afternoon seminar, three hours long; scripture reading; more errands; no dinner, because they "had to fast," during which time everybody had two hours to do whatever, as long as it was holy; wash all the dishes; more prayers; more giving thanks; chorus, the worst part of the day in both boys' eyes; then bed. **(1)** Each bedroom was designed for three or four people to sleep there, since there wasn't an abundance of rooms. Yusuke and Kuwabara had been roomed with a young monk, christened Peter, who looked about the boys' age, suffered from mild insomnia, and was, in Yusuke's opinion, even more of a tightwad than even _Botan_ when it came to following rules. This, of course, made things very hard for the two whenever they wanted to talk at night, seeing as they weren't supposed to after the designated bed-time.

"We're seriously gonna hafta knock him out one of these days," Yusuke grumbled moodily after the all-annoying Peter had finally gone to sleep.

Kuwabara nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, but he'll get back _up_ if we only knock him out," he sighed. "I can totally see why the demons want to kill these ding-dongs, though, they're friggin' annoying!"

"Yeah, and they're totally wired against demons, too," Yusuke agreed. "It's like they hate them just because they can! It pisses me off!"

"Just because ye'r part demon, too, doesn't mean ya hafta get all worked up, ya know?"

"I don't care! You can't just hate something for no friggin' reason! They just don't get it; not all demons want to kill everything they see!"

"Yeah, and like a year ago, you were _sooo_ down to disprove _that_ stereotype!" Kuwabara joked sarcastically, referring to the behavior he had before he became a demon hunter.

"Shut up, you moron! It still pisses me off..!"

Kuwabara grunted. "Everything pisses you off, Urameshi..!"

"Meathead."

"Punk."

Yusuke rolled over and grunted. "Go to sleep, ya dumbass."

"Whatever," Kuwabara followed with a yawn. The two were soon asleep.

The next morning, Yusuke and Kuwabara hid out in a cluster of trees behind a small knoll that was located in the very back of the monastery. Neither felt like going to morning mass, so they ditched under the pretense of "investigating."

They headed back to their room in the barracks. Once there, they abandoned their robes and threw on their street clothes, which had somehow been saved from the monks' unmerciful raid on mostly everything from their usual lives, along with the communication mirror used to contact Botan and a few other necessary tools. They took these as they left the monastery grounds through a smaller side gate, having no idea of the very relevant lesson they were supposed to be learning in the church that day.

"Ah, smell that outside air," Yusuke said, sounding rather enthusiastic about breaking the rules.

"Yeah, we're free! Or at least for today," Kuwabara agreed.

"So where do ya think we should look for the demons first?" Yusuke asked with a grin. "Down by those natural hot springs resort we passed on the way here? Maybe we could get together with a couple of girls, eh?"

"Heh. _I_ could, but I think Keiko would kill you when she found out."

"Kuwabara, the only way she would find out is if you told her, and you wouldn't do that! 'Course not, 'cuz I'd beat the snot outta ya once Keiko was done beatin' the snot outta me! Got it?"

"All right already! Gawd! I wouldn't want to permanently damage your scrawny ass anyway."

"Is that a challenge?" Yusuke asked, grinning evilly.

"Maybe!" Kuwabara retorted, stopping and turning toward Yusuke. "I'll kick your ass, Urameshi, and you know it!"

"Keep dreamin', pal! I think I should show you just how wrong you are!"

"I'll knock you straight into next week!"

"Let's see ya try!"

The two dropped their bags with the needed items in them and faced each other, preparing to fight. They grinned as they charged, getting ready to let off some steam on one another, when a massive explosion blasted them thirty feet into the air and into the forest surrounding the monastery, sending them both crashing through trees.

Yusuke dropped down from a tree branch he had landed on somewhat awkwardly as Kuwabara righted himself form the ground. The pair looked up simultaneously as an enormous black mushroom cloud rose in the sky on the horizon. A twin set of faces gaped at the thing. It wouldn't have been so extraordinary, except for the purple-black plumes of flames rising around the cloud like they were alive and had minds of their own. Yusuke was the first to recover.

"Kuwabara," he said, not looking away from the flames.

"Huh?"

"We gotta go. If they find us here, you know we'll get blamed for it," Yusuke said like a sage of the city streets.

"Right," the taller agreed wisely.

The two dashed back for the monastery before they had a chance to accumulate any incriminating evidence against themselves. However, once again, they missed a detail very relevant to their case; a small, dark figure emerging wearily from the flames.

**I FINALLY FINISHED CHAPTER TWO!! XD I apologize for the long wait, but I had to do some research (and not the kind Jiriya does!) for the story… I guess it didn't help that much, since I'm still kind of in the dark as to what monks actually DO all day long, so forgive me there if you see any inconsistencies and let me know.**

**That… was the longest friggin' sentence I have ever written in my entire life. Heh heh… yeah, I don't really know what monks do, so, yeah… My encyclopedia didn't tell me… --;;**


End file.
